I doubt I’m getting any sleep before work…

I made the mistake earlier this week of saying I would work today….less than four hours from right now (it’s currently 4:40am). I have set 3 alarms, one of which will hopefully wake me up in time for work.

Anyway, I just wanted to take some time to use this post to state some things.

I’m still in love with Amanda.

I still think Valerie is awesome.

I kinda wish I was still dating Sofia online.

A part of me still loves Kim.

I still think Sam is cool, but I’m not sure whether or not I ever loved her.

And last but not least, I am really fucking tired.

G’night.

Well hmm…

Recently I’ve been going from just fine to ridiculously lonely to really horny (which normally never happens) to beyond tired several times per day. I don’t know why, but it’s bugging the shit out of me.

That is all.

All Over You by Spill Canvas

So recently I’ve been listening to the song “All Over You” by Spill Canvas. I like it because it’s catchy and basically describes how I feel about….well Amanda, Kim, Trish, Val (to an extent), and basically every other girl I’ve ever been interested in.

So I’m gonna paste the lyrics here, and then describe why it’s kinda stupid. Not extraordinarily stupid or anything, but a little stupid.

Lyrics - Spill Canvas - All Over You

Yeah he’s a looker,
but I really think it’s guts that matter most.
I displayed them for you,
strewn out about from coast to coast.

I am easily make believe,
just dress me up in what you want me to be.
I’ll take back what I’ve been saying for quite some time now.

I gotta feel you in my bones again,
I’m all over you.
I’m not over you.
I wanna taste you one more time again,
I’m all over you.
I’m not over you.

In my daydreams, in my sleep,
infatuation turning into disease.
You could cure me, see all you have to do now
is please try.
Give it your best shot and try.
All I’m asking for is love,
but you never seem to have enough.

I gotta feel you in my bones again,
I’m all over you.
I’m not over you.
I wanna taste you one more time again,
I’m all over you.
I’m not over you.
This life is way too short
to get caught up in all this stuff
when I just want you to love me back,
why can’t you just love me back?

Why can’t you just love me back?
(why can’t you, why can’t you)
Why can’t you just love me back?
(why can’t you, why can’t you)
Why can’t you just love me back?
(why can’t you, why can’t you just love)

I gotta feel you in my bones again,
I’m all over you.
I’m not over you.
I wanna taste you one more time again,
I’m all over you.
I’m not over you.
This life is way too short
to get caught up and all mixed up
when I just want you to love me back,
why can’t you just love me back?

Why won’t you just love me back?

Why can’t you just love me back?

—————————–

Anyway, here’s the reason I think it’s stupid. Actually….scratch that, I really don’t think it’s that stupid.

This line: “Why can’t you just love me back?”

It just doesn’t describe me. (Thusly why I took out the stupid comment.)

Anyway, to answer the question posed in that line, which was clearly put into the song mostly due to emotions….love isn’t something so simple that you can just give it to someone.

If it were, people outside of my family would tell me they love me, and it would feel good.

If love were so easy to just give, more people in the world would be happy instead of depressed to the point of suicide.

So the actually answer is obviously one of two: the girl being referred to in the song is either too caught up in the other guy’s looks (like it says in the lyrics) or she’s already decided that she cannot love the writer and/or singer of the song (I’d like to give the singer credit for writing it, but I’ve got no proof and not enough ambition to research who actually wrote the lyrics.)

So yay. The song is great. It’s catchy, I like it, and I still think about all those girls when I listen to it.

I don’t know why I post things like this, but either way I guess I just needed to get it off my mind.

Some new developments…

Well last weekend (11th through 13th) I house-sat for Trish…

…with her roommate, Valerie, who is AWESOME.

The only problem: Trish tells me she’s almost 100% sure Valerie wouldn’t ever date me, which I guess isn’t really a huge problem, because she still makes an awesome friend.

The problem with that is while I’d like to communicate with her often enough for her to stay a friend, I’d also like to not creep her out by doing so. I seem to be exceedingly good at creeping girls out, which I hate doing, but apparently it’s nearly impossible for me to avoid….

So for about a week, she’s been on my mind everyday. She’s attractive, likes anime, laughs at most of my jokes, makes jokes that I laugh at, likes video games, and has similar movie taste.

So basically, she got me to stop thinking about Amanda for a whole week, which is a feat in itself, but today I saw Amanda again and now they’re both just on my mind. Not really because I think I have a chance, but because they’re both really awesome and because I’m incredibly lonely.

Anyway, back to last weekend…. while I was house-sitting with Val, she said we all (as many people as we can get) need to play basketball. So a few days ago I bought a basketball and a hand-air-pump-thing, because I figured it would score brownie points. I guess it won’t be a waste either way, but I have to laugh at how impulsive I am sometimes. It’s kinda funny. Hopefully we’ll be able to play sometime soon, and we’ll get at least 4 people for 2 on 2. Ideally it would be Trish and Matt vs. Val and myself, but even if that does happen I doubt it would lead to anything [insert various sad faces here.]

I kinda hope you read this, Amanda. I haven’t gotten a hug in a long time from anyway. I miss your hugs. I guess the last time was the Friday after your birthday….but it feels like longer…probably because of all the stuff on my mind this week. I dunno… I still need to give you back your CD pamphlet. I can’t believe I keep forgetting.

Anyway…….. I’m gonna go to sleep now. I have to wake up in about 5 hours (9am) to go on a family trip. I hope I’ll be back before like 8pm. Farewell.

Independence Day…and today too.

So the 4th of July pretty much rocked. We watched fireworks on the roof of Xenobia while listening to MSI for quite a while. Then we had awesome food (I provided most of the base ingredients, and Jason cooked it with some other ingredients) and watched Season 1, Disc 1 of Scrubs. All in all, it was highly enjoyable.

Today, I sold some Magic the Gathering cards for $70. I still have all of the decks that I enjoy using, so that was pretty sweet. I ordered some cards online for a Type 1 deck I’m trying to build. Should be pretty cool.

I realized today that while I don’t think I have feelings for Trish, she still makes me wish I had some girlfriend. I think it’s gonna bug me for a while… being alone that is, not her dating someone.

Speaking of which, she’s dating one of her coworkers. I don’t think I actually updated with that. The good news is that she’s no longer worried too greatly about Joel. The bad news is I have to see the only other person in my life that complained about being single as much as I do… with someone.

Basically, I’m still really lonely, but my life doesn’t really suck at all. Happy for the most part, but still lonely.

Aaaaaand….that’s all I got for now.

Maruchan Instant Lunch

I haven’t updated in a while.

Let’s see. I went to an MSI concert in Chicago, which was cool. I was supposed to get shit autographed for myself and for Amanda.. but Damian was impatient, so I sent it with him when he went to Milwaukee, but he didn’t remember to bring any of it. [insert anger here]

Umm…what else? I’m working on deciding when and where I’m going to do some college stuff. I either want to go back to the tech, or to UW-Oshkosh, but I need to figure out my financial aid situation and living expenses and all sorts of shit. Apparently if I go to Oshkosh, I’d be able to live with Trish (she needs someone to move in come fall), so I wouldn’t be screwed for gas….except that all my friends (and work) are in Appleton, so I’d still be screwed on gas anyway. I think on Thursday I’m going to go to the tech and ask about financial aid and how to go about applying and stuff.

I checked the website today and it said it isn’t just for school. It should cover school, books, gas, and maybe even other living expenses, which would be awesome, and give me a hell of a lot more motivation to do that much better in my classes.

I dunno, I don’t really have much else for now….let’s see…I’m making my own pencil-and-paper RPG system. I’m about 50% done with it, but it will no doubt need some revisions after my friends and I test it out a few times.

Other than that, not much is really new.

Trish is still reluctant to date me, though she has told me several times that she DOES have feelings for me.

Amanda is still taken, sadly, but at least she seems happy.

I’m still working on trying to get Trish to be happy. She’s really been depressed since Joel broke up with her.

I talked to Kim last night. She ended her engagement with Isaac. It feels like good news and bad news at the same time. I don’t really like him, but she seems to feel kinda bad about it, but she did it for the right reasons at least. (I won’t go into that.) ..He does seem to get over people extraordinarily fast though. I kinda wish I could do that.

Woot.

I went to a Mindless Self Indulgence concert yesterday. Got back about an hour ago. As far as concerts go, it’s the best one I’ve been to. They rocked. (That sounded kinda lame.) Damian says they’ve had much better ones, but this was my first MSI concert, and the only concerts I’ve been to beforehand were significantly smaller.

I bought a shirt to get signed, and Amanda gave me the pamphlet from Frankenstein Girls so I could get it signed for her, but Damian said they wouldn’t be signing anything because in the past they always did signing right away and this time they didn’t. Our friend Justin stayed after and got stuff signed, but because of Damian and Beck being stubborn I was basically unable to. Plus, when we did go back, the security wouldn’t let us in even though there were a bunch of other people going in who were just at the concert.

So I’m entrusting the signing of my shirt and Amanda’s pamphlet to Damian, Beck, and Justin on Sunday. Damian said he would make sure they got signed so I’m gonna be pretty pissed if they don’t, but then again there’s really not a whole lot I can do about it either way, so I’ll just hope for the best.

Anyway, now that I’ve taken a shower and washed the green dye out of my hair, I’m going to get some sleep. Tomorrow looks to be another busy day, but at least 10 hours of it won’t be in a car, lol.

Did I mention the concert rocked? The Birthday Massacre was also really sweet, except the instruments drowned out Chibi’s voice, which was mildly disappointing.

All-in-all, it was an excellent day.

Sleep time.

EDIT: Oh yeah, Joel and Trish broke up. Joel realized it was just a bad idea (good job Joel) and Trish seemed pretty hurt by it, but I really don’t think it would’ve worked out either way. She is now contemplating going out with me, but she doesn’t know that I know, so shhhhh… don’t tell her.

To be honest, if she says she wants to go out with me, I’ll give it a try. I care about her. I don’t feel that I love her or anything, but that’s a good thing. I think she cares about me. I dunno. What I do know is I probably won’t be asking her out anytime soon. I’m just really not sure, and being rejected isn’t exactly something to look forward to.

Oh yeah…

Did I mention Joel shows very little signs other than common friendship of actually CARING about Trish?

Yeah. It’s all about the attraction. It practically has to be.

I want to find someone who gives a shit about me, and though I would like them to be attracted to me (I’m not really ugly, just nothing special), I would prefer that they care more about my feelings toward them than my looks.

I wish I could find someone like Amanda. The only change I’d make is she would actually have feelings for me beyond just friendship. I think, even if we never dated or anything, if she would just hold me for a few minutes and I could hold her as well, it would make the next week or so amazing, pretty much regardless of what else happened. Seeing her smile is also really nice.

To be honest, seeing any one of the girls I like smile and having it directed at me is just an amazing feeling in general. I wish that could happen more often. Like at least once a week. That would be awesome.

Ok, sleeeeeep tiem nao, kthx.

Recent developments…

Well, it has become abundantly obvious that Joel is able to acquire girlfriends on his looks alone, with maybe of bit of common interests coming into play. RELATIVELY TRIVIAL EXAMPLE: If I say, “The Prestige was an amazing movie,” I would get a response like, “Eh, it was alright,” from almost any given girl, unless they hadn’t seen it, in which case they would simply state they hadn’t seen it.

If Joel said, “The Prestige is an amazing movie,” (notice: exact same words)… almost any given girl would say, “Yeah, I loved it!” or “Yeah, it was pretty good,” or “I haven’t seen it, wanna watch it with me sometime?”

So that is my mini-rant for the moment. I guess the event that got me to post that is this simple fact: Several weekends when Trish knew I was interested (at least on a physical level), and she was at least somewhat interested in me on a purely physical level (according to her), she wouldn’t really ever want to come over, I’m guessing because she lost interest in me rather quickly, due to the fact that I’m not very attractive.

This morning (it is almost 6am right now, we just finished D&D less than an hour ago) she asked Joel if she could stay at his place because she has/had a bad headache. Not only are they going out now, she made up an excuse to ensure she could stay at his place.

I know I’m just being stupid and jealous… But I’m fucking alone. And lonely as hell. I think I might have that right…. I dunno.

Trish, if I ever show you this journal, and you get to this entry, please just disregard it. I’m sure the things I said would probably be hurtful or offensive in some way, especially given the fact that I didn’t think about your feelings until these last few paragraphs (meaning this one and the one before it.) I’m going to sleep now, kthx.

(By the way, I also miss Amanda, and I actually miss Sam, and I’d really like to hang out with Kim sometime soon. It would honestly be very nice to get hugs from at least one of them. A Trish-hug would also be good.)

Hmm…Monday, the nightmare that started off so well.

The one and only good thing that happened today was that I got to see Amanda and got a hug.

I left my lights on before/during work, and the weird part is it was perfectly light out before work, so I have no idea why they were even on. Damian was going to come pick me up, but came an hour late because he and Beck were getting high with a bunch of other stoners. When they arrived, they didn’t even help me jump my car, but instead just drove me home, which means I have to get a ride (and a jump) tomorrow.

Trish has feelings for Joel, and Joel seems to want to take that a step in the relationship direction, and the worst part about that is that I completely saw it coming.

So unless Amanda miraculously develops feelings for me, I seriously doubt my tarot card reading is going to come true anytime soon.

I’m gonna try to go to sleep now before I start crying or something. Hopefully I’ll wake up and it will all be over. The nightmare, I mean.

No picture of the day for this post. My last picture of the day ought to suffice.