Hannah is nifty.

April 21, 2009

Well, since my last post, Joel has started to date someone from Wal-Mart named Danielle.

She’s alright. But Hannah is way cooler.

It’s good to know that Joel isn’t really super interested in Hannah anymore, because I’ve been able to share my feelings for her and whatnot.

Right now, she’s dating someone named John. I’ve met him once, he’s alright I guess.

The thing about Hannah is, she’s super friendly. It’s awesome, but it’s a little hard when I have a feeling that when we say “I love you” we probably both mean different things.

I don’t really mind. I love to hear her say it or read it in a text message, and I love to say it back, so it doesn’t bother me really.

She’s really gotten me to think more and more about God. I’m actually feeling like I’m growing closer to God, and that’s awesome. I’m trying my best to do what God wants me to, but I secretly hope that I might end up with Hannan someday. That would be really cool.

As for now, I’m not sure if Hannah is just here to help me grow closer to God, or if she’ll always be in my life. I hope it’s both, honestly.

She said the other night that if we’re both single when we’re like 40 and starting to feel “dorky”, we should get married. I love that about her. I love a lot of things about her.

Thank you, God, for bringing her into my life.



March 20, 2009

Today’s title has very little, if anything, to do with the content of the post, as per usual.

Joel has recently started to regrow feelings for an old friend of his name Juli. As a result, she may or may not be stopping her upcoming wedding, because it would probably be a mistake not to cancel it.

Also as a result, Joel is seemingly far less likely to ever go out with Hannah, which is kinda good news for me since I’ve (since my last post) developed some feelings for Hannah.

I’m basically posting this because I need something to do for about 4 hours, and I’m afraid if I sleep I’ll sleep too long. There are other reason, but I guess it’s mostly just to get it off my chest.

Hopefully, Joel and Juli will somehow end up together and be happy and nifty and stuff.

Hopefully, the same will happen with Hannah and myself, but she never really dated Joel, and she seems pretty keen on staying single until she knows it’s right. Either way, she’s an awesome friend, and I know she won’t abandon me. She might not want to go out with me, but she won’t abandon me, because she’s a great friend.

Anyway, now I’m going to try to find something to do. I’m really tired, so I’ll just set ridiculous amounts of alarms so I can wake up on time.

I love ending my titles with an ellipsis. That’s the triple dot for those of you who don’t know very much vocabulary. Though, to be honest, I actually had to check the spelling on it, probably mostly due to the fact that it’s almost 2:30 in the morning, but you can blame it on what you like.

Hannah has grown on me. Everytime I talk to her I like her more and more.

She brought over a friend, who turned out to be someone I went to high school with. Her name is Breanna. Joel and Hannah were kinda sorta trying to set me up with her, and it seemed to go okay the one day I saw her, but now I’ve found out that she suddenly has a boyfriend.

That’s all I have for this post. Mostly disappointment, but luckily for me, Hannah is a beacon of positivity, and great at making me feel a bit better. I wish more people were like her. A lot more people. I mean waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more. Yeah.

It’s been just under two months since I posted last. I still kinda feel the same, except now Amanda is nearly out of the picture, which is really sad because she’s awesome. I almost never see her anymore because she’d only come over for Joel, and now even if Joel wanted her to come over she might not. I really don’t know what’s up, but I wish she’d visit more again. She was a day-brightener when Joel wasn’t all cuddly with her.

Now there’s a girl named Hannah. She’s awesome, too, but of course Joel found her first. I really don’t know what’ going on with them though.

She said she couldn’t date him for some reason, I still don’t know exactly why. But that doesn’t matter because they’re still hanging out and they might as well be dating because both of them get to be happy around each other while I just put a smile on and suffer.  I suppose I don’t really care too much whether or not they date because I will feel the same regardless.

Anyway, this should be a happier post. Christmas is coming up. Technically tomorrow, but it’s almost 4 in the morning so I’m gonna say the day after tomorrow because that’s what it will feel like.

In about 11 hours, I get the wonderful privelege of picking up my alcoholic father because he can’t (or won’t, I dunno) get his over driver’s license and then I get to bring him home after that too. A really long fucking drive both times. There, back, there, back. Hopefully my sister can just bring him home.

I don’t know why today it all just hit me. Yesterday and for the last few weeks I’ve felt fine, but today all those thoughts on my mind just collapsed and crushed me beneath them like an avalance of the darkest depression I’ve felt to date. Luckily about all I have left is patience and willpower, so nothing really bad will come of this except a bit more stresss over the next week or so.

Being alone sucks.

October 28, 2008

And that’s really all I have to say.


Because this post would be too short otherwise, I’ll explain (slightly) why it sucks.

Why Being Alone Sucks

This is not a poem, nor should you treat it as such.

All of my friends claim to be lonely.

I am lonelier in many more ways than they are.

Yes, this is my pity party. FEEL BAD FOR ME.

Joel gets to treat an amazing girl LIKE his girlfriend even though she isn’t.

All while searching for a real girlfriend online.

She treats him like a boyfriend, too. At least when I see them.

Andrew ignores his supposed “girlfriend” simply because he thinks his friends will treat him better if he does. I find it hard to condone such disrespect toward her, even though she’s quite annoying sometimes, but if I say anything about it, mine and Andrew’s friends will assume I am joking or that I like her, neither of which would be true.

Chris complains that he can’t be with a certain girl because he’s going away in the Navy.

At least he has someone who gives a shit enough to consider being his girlfriend.

Damian has a bunch of girls who are interested, but he’s not.

I don’t think any of them have the right to say they’re lonely.

But then again that’s probably just my anger and jealously talking.

By the way, I lied. This is a huge fucking free-verse poem.

And now it’s done.

…I’ll probably feel a bit happier with my situation with every girl I’ve ever had feelings for, especially Amanda.

I got this email today from my mom. She sends me so many chain mails I usually just get sick of them and delete half of them, but it makes me feel bad sometimes so I always read at least one. Today, this is the only one she sent me (so far), so I read it.


How to Dance in the Rain

It was a busy morning, about 8:30, when an elderly gentleman in his
80’s arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He said he
was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am.
I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be
over an hour before someone would to able to see him. I saw him
looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another
patient, I would evaluate his wound. On exam, it was well healed,
so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to
remove his sutures and redress his wound.
While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another
doctor’s appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry.

The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home
to eat breakfast with his wife. I inquired as to her health.
He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a
victim of Alzheimer’s Disease.

As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late.
He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not
recognized him in five years now.

I was surprised, and asked him, ‘And you still go every morning,
even though she doesn’t know who you are
He smiled as he patted my hand and said,

‘She doesn’t know me, but I still know who she is.’

I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose bumps on my arm,
and thought,
‘That is the kind of love I want in my life.’

True love is neither physical, nor romantic.

True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and
will not be.

With all the jokes and fun that is in e-mails, sometimes there is
one that comes along that has an important message. This one I
thought I could share with you.

The happiest people don’t necessarily have the best of everything;
they just make the best of everything they have.

I hope you share this with someone you care about, I just did.

‘Life isn’t about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in
the rain.’

-Be Blessed

Lori Beilke
Chanoz Great Danes

‘Life isn’t about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in
the rain.’


I feel 100% certain that I already felt that way about true love, to be honest.

I also support this line “The happiest people don’t necessarily have the best of everything;
they just make the best of everything they have,” but I believe I haven’t been living as though I truly believed that line, so now I’m going to try to. I think it’ll be difficult, but I’ve been doing an okay job without directly intending to, so I think I’ll be okay.

Feeling pretty good…

September 23, 2008

This last weekend and today were pretty good. I saw a good movie with Joel, Jon, and Amanda on Saturday night, and Amanda came over to watch Heroes with Joel, Andrew, and I tonight. And I got hugs 😀

Pretty much nothing makes me feel better than a hug 🙂 Especially from Amanda.

I might be changing my work schedule again…I haven’t decided yet, but I’m definitely leaning toward 2:30pm to 7:30pm. That way I can watch Heroes on Mondays, and just have a little more time in general to do things after work and before sleeping. I guess it isn’t really a big change, but I think it’ll work pretty well.

Joel quit his job at Circuit City today, and I guess tomorrow he’s going to look for another job. I hope he finds one before we have to pay more bills and/or rent.

I haven’t really posted on here in a while. I can’t say things have been going especially good or bad (until recently anyway)…so I guess that’s why.

I don’t have much more to post for now… I suppose I should get to bed as soon as I can. I’m pretty tired.